There’s a lot of emphasis placed on ‘fitting in’ – fitting in to carve out a comfortable life for oneself. Often, we try to achieve this by planning things beforehand, by painstakingly researching every detail about something we are about to undertake or somewhere we want to go, analyzing our actions and our personality repeatedly, and so on.
Fitting in was never a topic I found myself thinking about, until everyone around me started to. Even if it wasn’t a clear or outspoken topic, it was easy to gain this impression that maybe, it was time to start thinking about where I stand, who I am, and what’s right for me to do. But all I could think of was, “What if I don’t fit in?”
Because, it hit me that I don’t. I can’t think of a lucid, fixed category or structure that I can fit myself into. I love science, and I love the arts. I’m a mezzo-soprano. My shoe size is between a four and a five, and my clothing size hovers uncertainly in between, as if it took lessons from Heisenberg. I like decoding mysteries, and I like giving flight to some crazy-seeming creativity. I love being with my friends, and I also love solitude. I like the thought that I’m drawing lessons from experiences and becoming a seasoned, mature adult, and I also like the times when I could still call myself a kid, living an uncomplicated and colorful life.
As I find myself caught in the fluidity of my interests, I come across as an indecisive person. Often, it makes me wonder if I’m making the right decisions – if there isn’t some other thing that would be better to choose. But I don’t want to let time pass by like water in poorly cupped hands, by just worrying if I fit in. Because if I don’t, that’s probably fine. I’ll get to have the best of both worlds at every point of my life, and enjoy it, which is what it’s all about. At every cliff I encounter, I’ll either use the cliff as a point to launch myself high in the air, or jump and enjoy the thrill of hurtling through the air towards the ground.
As Tris from the Divergent book series would say, ‘I’m Divergent!’ 😉